Difficulties in parenting.
It is not hard to understand why parenting so often seems or actually is 'hard' or difficult for many.
Most human society's of today make a fundamentally flawed approach to what makes a 'parent', let alone what makes 'sound parenting'.
What happens is that as soon as someone has a child, they are given 'parent' status along with a whole host of 'parental rights' over a new and extremely vulnerable life.
It is also assumed then, that no-one else has the right to decide what is best for that child, except perhaps in extreme circumstances were obvious and recognised neglect, abuse or such are acted upon by the authorities. However, even then, what constitutes those concepts may be and usually is contentious.
Yet, one critical factor is indisputably true of the vast majority of first parents and even of many who have already parented previous children. The majority have nothing more than, at best, a cursory knowledge and or understanding of child development or how to manage it in the interests of both child and parent. Neither do many consider that the child is a unique human being who ought to have the freedom to develop their own understanding, take risks and make choices.
Discipline is one particularly contentious issue, especially where it involves physical chastisement such as 'spanking'. However, just as abusive can be much less obvious or more subtle or devious means of control.
The reality is, however, that what many adults see as necessary discipline is not the case. External discipline rarely has a positive effect. Yes, in the immediate context it may stop a certain behaviour but that is to treat a symptom, not address the actual cause. As such, it will rarely prevent a recurrence of the behaviour and even when it does, it will have done nothing to change the attitude of the child to one supportive of desired behaviour. On the contrary, it is far more likely to cause resentment, whether openly expressed or not.
A further problem is that, paradoxically, punitive responses to undesirable behaviour are more likely to reinforce than to reduce or eliminate it. That reality, particularly though not exclusively in children, is because what children crave instinctively is attention. Perversely, at least from the parent's point of view, this means that a child will play up, despite knowing the likely consequences, for doing so achieves what they desire - attention.
By no means is it only exclusive to modern society but the complexity and speed of today's world together with an erosion of many values and social structures has led to many single parent families and/or families where both parents work. This has led, inevitably and, again, paradoxically to parents having to work harder than before in an age of technology and services that theoretically one would expect to have reduced or eased workload. A result is that in many families parents and children spend less time together. In addition, it also means that parents actually come to value 'quiet' time, i.e. those occasions when their child or children are unobtrusively occupied and the parent can do other things. The problem with this is that it is at these times that the parent needs most to engage positively with the child, for that reinforces in the child's mind that playing calmly or quietly will get them attention, i.e. what they most desire.
Unfortunately, my observation is that all too often, most children are likely to get most attention when they engage in what the parent considers undesirable behaviour and very little attention when they are being what is considered well behaved. Accordingly, the child has little incentive to engage in productive, helpful, considerate and resourceful behaviour but lots to do precisely the opposite.
Sadly, another effect of this situation is that it is very common for children to echo the models they have had as children when they have children themselves. A clear clue to this is the ubiquitous but extremely ignorant phrase in relation to spanking or other harsh punitive responses that: "it never did me any harm..." - the very fact of it being said showing precisely the opposite. Had it not, they wouldn't be advocating for such treatment of their own children or those of anyone else.
Recidivism of adults is a major problem in our society and it stems from the fact that punitive measures in the main create animosity, rumination, anger, rejection, diminished self worth and other such negative feelings. These do not encourage positive engagement with society and that is why our penal system largely fails us all. It is not insignificant that the models that a child experience are often those adopted by them as an adult.
Positive parenting not only eliminates much of what are considered natural 'misbehaviour' of children but also sets an example for their own attitudes and actions in adult life.
Because of the absurdity of giving control of other lives to people predominantly with no skills or understanding of how to exercise that responsibility, we create the likelihood of continues harm, stress, anxiety and even criminality in our society. It is more difficult to obtain approval to wire an electrical socket or fix a blocked drain or drive a car, than it is to produce and take control of a human life and make decisions or take actions that will have massive consequences for the future of the person living it. - Does that make any sense? I think not.
Yes, I know, it is likely that I will be lambasted for my comments but there is ample evidence to support them. However, for those who simply react with indignation and throw rocks, let me finish by pointing out that I am not accusing or blaming those who have an unfortunate, false or proven flawed view of what effective parenting entails for I recognise only too well that they are victims themselves. It is precisely for that reason that there ought to be some form of pre-parenting training and even subsequent guidance available for those finding it difficult or, too often, too much. By these actions we may at least have a chance to make a difference, to save harm and stress to both children and parents and to improve attitudes in our societies. ☮️
