It is definitely necessary to understand that a person and their behaviours are not equivalent. That many don't realise this can readily be seen in online forums where some have very different views. On the one hand, there are those who do know how to separate the person from the view/action/behaviour and focus on the argument, on the other there are those who quickly move from the argument to criticism, demeaning and abuse of the other party. Often this ends in substantial enmity and hurt and virtually inevitably in whatever was the issue, being lost.

However, alongside this necessity of distinction is to carefully consider what words we use and how we use them. Some problematic examples exist in your own post ...

"if you succeed truly love you, proud of your achievement and am appreciative your efforts. If you fail, I still love you. Even if you misbehave, I will still love you."

This very statement has several negatives in relation to emotions and how it will affect the child. It elevates success by placing the emphasis there and contrasting failure with it. - The phrasing: "If you fail I still love you" far from being truly accepting and supportive, actually emphasise that the child has let you down.

In addition, you are not separating the emotional connection from the behaviour because success and failure are subjectively defined and often seen in very different ways by different people with all the differing characteristics that influence us, such as age, historical time, peer group, educational level, likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams, attitudes and values and much more.

Indeed, when one talks of significant mistakes or disappointment this is a reflection of one's own view of the world, one's own values, one's own understanding and perspective. - It may be appropriate or not appropriate; it may conform to tenets or moral views that one holds dear but that are not necessarily, as so often portrayed, necessarily valid or best or correct or relevant within a particular context.

Then "On this personal feeling side, you don't need to feel like you're the worst son. But remember that in terms of actions, I am truly disappointed, I am angry! If I punish you, it is based on my feelings towards your actions."

This encourages precisely the sort of feeling in the child that you claim you don't want to produce. The child may not feel that he is "the worst son", but for sure he will once you've made that 'back-handed' and hypocritical statement.

"I am angry! If I punish you, it is based on my feelings towards your actions." Yes, precisely. Indeed this is far more about your feelings and views than it is about any consideration of your child's character, feelings, circumstances or the context or validity of what you consider to be a negative.

So, whilst I agree with you that personality and behaviour should not be seen as equivalent, your anecdotal post gives precisely the opposite message. It suggests poor parenting and the notion that exists far too often among parents, that they know best and what they say goes.

That is the antithesis of learning and we oughtn't to be instilling anything into our children but rather modelling, discussing, investigating, exploring and examining both actions and consequences for all involved. The best teaching is achieved through learning alongside one's pupils, whether that be in a classroom, on the sports field or in our sitting room at home.

Emotional connections and true understanding comes about from sharing, caring & listening to others, not from focusing on ourselves - even inadvertently - rather than the others involved and whatever actions concern you.

Science and history both show us conclusively that punishment is not effective in positive learning. What it does is encourage resentment and the likelihood is that more often than not it will cause the person to continue or even exacerbate the behaviour that is considered undesirable. It will certainly be unlikely to bring about the desired change.

Lastly, let me add that one of the most critical factors causing emotional connection to go the wrong way - if you like - is that most children receive most attention when they do what the parent doesn't want and the rest of the time very little. That children crave attention means that in many cases they will actually purposely commit actions that they are aware you don't like simply to get your attention and, as unpleasant as the result may be - there reward is your attention. It is what is most important to them and hence they will both continue to do it and also remember it. - In fact, then, they will learn the opposite of what you wish, for they will learn to behave in ways that bring them reward - even if that reward is punishment.

Don't take my word for it, though I have credentials to support what I've stated but rather consult books on positive parenting, child development and causes of behaviour and, if you will, 'misbehaviour'.